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Thursday, May 13, 2010

You Need Reality in Your Life.......(part one)

Leave it to the Misses, my beacon of hope, to enlighten me. I’ve prayed. I’ve meditated(sort of), I’ve read countless books, from The Bhagavad Ghita, to “Inspiration for Dummies”, but never have I found a truly effective way to relieve the stresses of life, especially in a recession, until now. My Wife has learned a wonderful technique and she has shared it with me. It was no easy task. I was very reluctant at first, refusing to participate and even heckling the ritual as she practiced. Today, though, I join her in the act.
These days, while times are hard indeed, I carry an air of confidence; a sense of control through the turbulence of life. The key is perspective. Rather than being submerged in your own circumstances and punished by your problems, you need a broader vision. This is what my better half realized. I used to be puzzled, and even pissed off at her composure in the midst of our calamities. What kept her smiling? Well, now I know. My wife’s secret was to study reality. I mean, of course, Reality TV.
Reality TV, not to be confused with “classic TV”; the television of old like sitcoms, news TV, documentaries, ESPN….etc. I mean Reality TV, that mutated offspring, spawned from MTV's Real World and the Jerry Springer model of digging up rocks to expose the arm-pit of society’s debacles that they call their lives, while we hellishly cheer them on. That's what feels good! I don't want to see these Hollywood brats that resent the damn show because they actual have to stop partying for a day and act. No offense to Al Bundy or any other great sitcom characters of our day, but when I'm in a rut, give me, retarded, f___king,, degenerates and,,um, every trainwreck we could find that's dumb enough, callous enough, or plain hard up for cash enough to give us full access to their extraordinary situation. It's basically a freak show, where the freaks are more than happy to oblige and even give us the blow by blow. Yeah, we liked Willis and Kimberly, but we love Todd Bridges and Dana Plato, you know? It's the classic idea of knocking you down to build me up. Perfect.

All right, I said I'd share, but I don't write for TV guide(damn!) so I’m not going into the when, where crap. They are basically heavily concentrated on the elder-statesman of cable, MTV and VH1, but really, mostly every cable channel is riddled with these one hour glimpses into, catastrophe of human intelligence that exists fruitfully within our borders. Only a light channel surf by any remote control engineer with unearth a nice variety for yourself. Then you can begin to feel smarter, more confident and in control than ever before. Once you put your existence to the litmus test of “is my situation f--ked up enough to entertain the masses?” in order to gauge your troubles, life ain't so bad. Here are my favorites:

Relationships- If I ever feel that my domestic life is suffering in any way, I am now well equipped to deal with it. Rather than stress over every minute flaw that I detect through paranoid over-analysis, scared of committing to “the wrong one”, I simply revert to my new method of reflection and things are fine. My favorites include:

  • Tough Love Couples- This one’s great. It starts with the in-your-face relationship therapist, Steve Ward, assisted by his own foremost authority on the sexuality of women, his mom. Steve has selected six messed up couples, all with their own psychotic relationship problems with which I am all too familiar. This is blatant sadomasochism at its best as Steve, who I like more and more each week, almost to the point where I can overlook his awkward relationship with mommy dearest and her phony Double D’s, rips into each cheating, screaming, jealous, dramatic and, oh, quite ready for prime-time, couple. He's ballsy, and weird enough to be amusing as hell when he gets heated; especially since it's not you he's screaming at. You will find new adoration for the old ball and chain after this.
  • Tool Academy- I've never really known what exactly makes up a "tool", except that the girl I'm with assures me I'm not one, but my exes feel differently, who knows? Well this show makes the distinction. A tool is, well, watch the show. The network does a great job at scouring the neanderthal belt for these mullet wearing freaks, mostly dudes, who treat their respective partner, like crap. This show hits the spot when it comes to feeling like Casanova while you and Henriette eat oatmeal pies and watch the idiot box. I'm always critical when a station can't put a solid 10 in front of me EVERY time, given the amount of women on this planet, but considering they needed to cross reference every chick with the aforementioned loser they don't do a bad job on this one, which also has the element of, "Wow, it's actual possible to manipulate hot women!"
  • I Can't Believe She's Going Out with Him. Speak of the Devil. This one is pretty self explanatory, and very cool to watch. Pretty much a character study on a "tool" as decribed above. They don't use the word tool, though, they mock members of the male species for your delight in their own unique way. I enjoy it. It makes a nice 1,2 punch when combined with the Academy; a full serving of testosterone and a shot of confidence that works everytime. See, they find some fool that fits the mold of loser who has happened to seduce a quite attractive woman and appears too good for the creep, despite her glaring lack of individuality and self esteem. Then they present a traditional documentary, showing his blatant bad behavior towards the innocent idiot, while she complains about it to her pack of clones, only to later succomb to his over-the-top cajolery, and all the while a narrator with an English accent, almost from the Robin Leech mold(maybe it's him......too lazy to research that) gives us a detailed account of his exploits as you would hear on "Lifestyles of the Rich and Royal", branding him with regal epithets like King Scrotocles(derived from Scrotum....fool.) or Prince Doushebag. The pie-in-the-face, slapstick comedy comes hard every time this bloke blurts out a word with a "douche/scrotim"-like root and right behind it comes the feeling of inner peace. South Park Zen.
  • 16 and Pregnant. Definitely a far cry from the knee-slapping gem we just discussed, this show is more dramatic; it's more Oprah, in fact, at it's core is the poor man's Doctor Phil, Dr.Drew, ringleader of the awesome RTV show/s, Celebrity Rehab/Sober House(discussed in part two) and Brittany Spears' personal shrink, who is absent until the finale.(not Brittany...Dr.Drew) It tackles the serious and all too common dilema of unplanned, teenage pregnancy, but, true to the magic of this new boobtube therapy, they manage to squeeze the story just right and what you see is a frenzied state of affairs, starting with a pre-pregnancy status report followed by a nine month buildup to a teary eyed crescendo. On this ride to family devastation, which always seems to spare the male culprit, you will usually find a distraught father of or boyfriend of the mother of the impregnatee, a teenage juvenile delinquent(a poor kid who was too excited to use protection or to exercise prevention who is shit on by the girl's family at every turn because, surprisingly, he has no solid financial portfolio built up during the pregnancy.), a hysterical mom (or conversely, an eerily understanding mom;not as fun.), and of course the 16 year old __?___. The blank is to be filled in privately. Heckling is recommended for best results. Believe me, if you are experiencing financial trouble, there's nothing like following a 16 year-old chick through the ordeal of getting knocked up. Following her as she watches her childhood dreams crumble with each month, in front of the world, until all that's left is a screaming newborn staggering out of the gate into this disfunctional world, will soon adjust your perspective on life. You will become sympathetic toward the entire clan, which, in turn puts you in the high ground.
    It's all very sophisticated and that's why you love this shit, stay tuned in and you might catch a part two some time. There are more of these pearls of inspiration. Regretful drug-abusers and behavioral health patients are two more of many groups who can benefit from the soothing remedies of Reality TV.

1 Please add your thoughts to the discussion.:

indigo said...

love it

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