Plume's profoundly personal or personally profound.....

At any rate, what I was trying to say was this:

You know those cute books with beautiful little quotes? Of course, you do, and Plume decided to compile his own inspirational, or otherwise noteworthy, ideas. So, this is the wise Professor's edition, a work in progress gathering random thoughts from day to day. Entries are not forced, so it is updated whenever a qualifying thought appears.

The idea is that, after some time, it will be quite enjoyable to sift through the 'creme de la creme' of your own personal thoughts, at least, those which made the cut. Plume recommends this for all. You may be surprised.

You will find these inserts ranging from Aristotle to the bullshit your friend writes about on Facebook, the website that simulates hanging out with your buddies and doing shit. (no offense, sometimes it great to just hang out.)Here goes:

• "When I open my eyes in the morning, my mission to become a better person begins, and it doesn't end until i close them....Of course, I take naps." - P.P.



• "How's this business idea? : Open up a shaolin temple for kids, which would teach them honor and respect. A softer version would be Mr. Miagyi babysitting." - P.P.

• "Do you notice that we are constantly implementing changes meant to "improve" our way of life, yet we always complain that it was better 'in the old days'?"--P.P.

• "My mother's never had sex, no matter what you say."--P.P.
  
  

Some Words About My Friends....

Two years ago, my friend, Thomas Gilmartin, passed away. It was solid evidence to back up Billie Joel's claim: "Good Die Young". He died relatively young and, assuming that a man whose mere presence can make the devil crack a smile isn't bad, I'd call him good. Good enough to have a stone monument placed right in front of his church, St.Francis of Rome, in the Bronx. I'm pretty sure they don't do that for everyone, but for "Gil", it was the least they could do. This is no exaggeration or a case of selective memory, actually, words are too frail to describe what Tommy brought to the table. Trust me.

Well, two days ago this demented helter-skelter, known as life, shanghaied another kindred spirit in his hayday. Doug Teagarden, the poster-boy for unconditional friendship, was erased from my inner circle and now it's getting ridiculous. It's also getting too close to home.

Doug was more religious than most, I'd say. I know he wasn't afraid when his number was called. He was probably sad for those who loved him, because he was considerate, but I'm sure he walked into heaven with a smile.

You know, God, "You couldn't leave him with us for another blink of your infinite eye? What sort of twisted policies are in place up there, exactly? Let me guess......another f--king test!?Everything's a god damn test, huh?(no pun intended)"

Seriously, though, am I the only one who's had it with these sadistic, "mysterious" ways? They're too damn mysterious. Don't get me wrong; I'm a staunch advocate of faith. I even have it inked into my skin, right on my shoulder; it says "Have Faith". (as in salvation, not a tribute to George Michael.), except, I was 18 year old infant when I got that tatoo. At that time, my experiences were saturated with the study(and guilt) of catechism, and my eyes were still adjusting to the harmful rays of life.

I had always figured goodness would shield us from harm, judging from the verbage of the Good Book, I mean. God is pretty straight-forward when it comes to his expectations of us. He's very big on sincerity, compassion, kindness, charity, friendship and all those other qualities that I now realize will get you killed....mysteriously.

Surely, these baffling deeds are meant to teach us a lesson, right? There's always a lesson. Every f--ked up situation has one. Every severe trauma, loss, illness, plague, problem, shame, regret, tragedy, curse, red-light, papercut.....they all have a purpose; they were all meant to be. That's what I'm supposed to believe. But I think it's pretty obvious.

God hordes the cool people for Himself and leaves us with the assholes. He's a cheater who abuses his power for his own pleasure. He's selfish and inconsiderate.

I think he needs to stop making us in his own image and use Doug and Gil as prototypes.


Love you, bro!

Schirall

( The use of the male pronoun to identify the Lord is simply a grammatical decision and in no way suggests the dude's gender.)

My Letter to Brandy's Mom about the "Family Business"[

You may not recognize the name, but my fellow Reality TV Monks, who find inner piece in the plight of fallen stars, know her well. Sonja Norwood is Brandy's mother and manager. I assume you know Brandy, the R&B singer and star of that long running, second-tier sitcom, "Moesha", and now another tally on the never-ending checklist of celebrities who have no problem granting us full access to their disenchanting lives.

I still can't put my finger on their motives for doing this. Is it just a paycheck in troubled times or simply a sign of adapting to a shift in the climate of television entertainment? Hollywood wants what's hot, but whatever the initiative, Brandy and her brother, Ray J, a reality "dating show" star in his own right, air their boring laundry in an extravaganza called "Family Business" on VH1.

Here's the thing: Brandy is at something of a crossroads in her career after a disappointing comeback album, for which she shamelessy lays blame at the feet of celebrated record producer, Rodney Jergins (until he gives her a reality check of her own), and she's searching for a new angle. She discusses a possible sitcom with her brother, not a bad idea given her past success and Ray's popularity among the opposite sex, that is of course, assuming that American pop culture still has the chops for such rustic television.

She also "guarantees herself success on her new project", a bold forecast but not inconceivable for a seasoned, multi-platinum pop star with a grammy on her mantle. The only problem is that, thanks to legendary hip-hop producer, Timerland, who, for reasons unknown, decided to let Brand New (Brandy's self proclaimed rap alter-ego) "spit" on his album, she's convinced that she should forego her strength as a unique and powerful vocalist and give rap a shot.

I refuse to believe that Timbo, who does have a tendancy to go pop but has still been all around the rap game, is blind to what is obvious as soon as Brand New begins either of the two verses that make up her entire catalog. She is quite below average, even admitting herself that it's a "hobby", and after watching her fumble to catch the beat during her sound check, a skill which is taught in Rap 101 and mastered by any MC worthy of amplifying his/her voice, and amateurishly blaming it on an earlier disagreement with Mom, he MUST have figured it out.

Anyhow, regardless of her unrefined skills, a crude performance, which was hardly captivating but error free, thanks to an accomodating beat box by Timberland, only served to bolster her dream, much to the chagrin of her manager and mother, Sonja Norwood .

Everyone wants to be a rapper, from athletes like Shaq (probably the only successful crossover) or Deion Sanders to deadbeats with nothing to do, like Brittney Spears'baby's daddy, or the kid that played Bud Bundy and any other has-been who finds hip-hop to be some scheme to get rich quick and an easy road to success as a recording artist. I usually find comfort in the almost certain failure of these projects, but this time I must intervene.

I just cannot allow this girl to make that mistake without at least trying to avert the calamity. No Way! Below is my letter to Mrs. Norwood, the ex-district manger for H&R Block turned music business attack dog. I feel that her attention to this is absolutely vital to her daughter's career:

Dear Mrs. Norwood,

I am writing this letter to you in reference to Brand New, Brandy's hip hop alter-ego. I'm afraid I share your apprehension toward this bold career decision.

As a lifelong member of the music community trapped in the limbo of obscurity, with many other talented artists accross the globe, who, for whatever reason, were never given the opportunities that a young Brandy came upon, I must agree with you. In fact, it is extremely blatant that right now, at this critical junction in her career, this is a pitfall and a sure case of "pie in the sky".

Brandy is a wonderfully unique singer who rode her powerful vocal chords all the way to the top and collected a bunch of fans on the way. They are patiently waiting for another classic from her. They know nothing of Brand New, who, to be painfully frank, is a below average rapper. Furthermore, may I add , the fact that she truly believes she can gain mass appeal in a music genre that she considers to be a "hobby" is somewhat offensive to myself and the entire culture of hip-hop and even music as a whole..

Again, I DO like Brandy, the R&B icon. If she indeed carries a burning desire to enter the glorious, champagne-popping, big-rims-buying, gold-teeth-wearing, gun-carrying, pimp/hoe world of rap music, may I suggest the way for her to make a significant contribution, rather than just get her kicks. Many successful R&B divas have set up camp in the rap scene by singing choruses. Ashanti is an example that comes to mind. She is legendary for her choruses and was actually part of a well known crew at that time ( meaning she was included and respected for her role in hip hop). Mary J blige is another example. Her smash hit, "Your All I Need", a collaboration which features her unmistakable pipes and the rapping expertise of WuTang's Method Man, is a wildly popular rap classic that has stood the test of time.

Think about it, why try to fit a square peg into a round hole? Rather than struggle through a recording session with Brandy learning on the job and praying that her fans will understand, something they NEVER do, why not play to everyone's strengths? Why not match the classic Brandy tones with a seasoned MC and let two professionals with proven track records collaborate on a beautiful piece of music.

Please be firm, Sonja. Put away the nurturing mother hat and be the objective, sensible manager who knows what's right. You have a fine understanding of this business, and you know the sharks will smell blood the moment Brand New makes a move.

Thank you for allowing me a voice. I only want what's best for the Family Business.

Thank You
Professor Plumm

How to Write Movies....the unexpected part 2

The original piece, "How to Write a Horror Movie...part one", can be found here:
http://professorplume.blogspot.com/2010/05/how-to-write-movies-part-1-horror.html
It is only by the serendipity of a journalistic opportunity to critique films for the New York Examiner, and their submission requirements on the application, that this sequal actually exists. What I'm saying is this: If a add "part 1" to a particular post , it doesn't necessarily mean that a sequel is imminent. Rather, it means that, there were more ideas dancing in my head than I cared to note at the time of writing . It is a friendly reminder to myself to finish off a task. When last checked, my to-do list items completion rate was holding steady at 1 to 3 (or 33.3%), get it?

Horror films are certainly loads of fun to create. Basically you can stay focused on the development of a psycho-killer and the hunt for the hottest, unknown, affordable, grateful and obediant actress who will surely have trouble landing the three shower scenes. The rest of the film produces itself.
As we move on with the tutorial, it is logical that the next genre to learn about is the Horror flick's sequel-infested, low-budget cousin, the slapstick comedy, including the romantic comedy, which incorporates the same model. There are also many other sub-genres and hybrids such as the dark comedy and the action/comedy, each with their own distinctions, however, for the purpose of this polite instruction, we will deal with these two basic types . Actually, most comedies do have a romantic element which is indirectly proportional with the comedic content.

So, as you begin, try to avoid being overwhelmed by the burden of making people laugh. Most of your witty one-liners and silly scenerios can be refurbished and recycled to suit your needs. This reduncancy, which causes a passionate artist to cringe, actually serves you well. The same principle is used by top radio stations when they forcefeed the same song to their listeners every twenty minutes. Eventually people are so familiar with the song, they have to love it. So, have faith. They will laugh.

Your main concern is deciding where you will place on the (funny(x), romantic(y)) graph, where "z" represents the level of booze, debauchery and overall degradation of the female gender and the equation is x=zy. Sorry, too much algebra? Just use this standard method of gauging your film: Would this film do better starring Adam Sandler or co-starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore? This will give you a pretty accurate idea of where you're headed; John Hughes or National Lampoon's? Once that's resolved, you're off and running.

Look back to the slasher movie and use the same basic principles to build the characters for this barrel of laughs. If you recall, we wanted young adults, either late high-school or early college, played by highly attractive thespians just short of thirty. The difference between this gang and your screamer cast is that now they must possess a decent amount of skill as a performer. This can be compromised somewhat by long blond hair and a tight body, but, keep in mind, they must deliver jokes using funny and obnoxious facial expressions while displaying a certain brand of physical comedy, albeit unoriginal. These requirements alone call for a superior skillset than the previously gathered group of bloody victims found by scanning music videos and beer commercials. Some tips for a well-rounded cast include:

• an egotistical jerk, most likely an athlete, rich kid or otherwise over-priveliged bully who plays the villian with an air of arrogance which begs for the revenge which will ultimately find its way to him. He is usually accompanied by a few pea-brained henchmen.
• a female lead, molded again by the ever-important romance level. For your true romantic style comedy, think angelic and wholesome girl next door and work toward the playboy mansion as you zoom out. Either way, she will begin the movie attached to the jerk described above and will end up with our hero. She, too, should be padded with some girlfriends. Throw in a fluzy or a ditz.
• Of course, the hero. From the romance champs Vince Vaugn and Tom Hanks to Van Wilder, this dude is the main character. Either a cool customer or a nerd you love to cheer on, he must meet some standards. First, he begins the story at a disavantage when it comes to the jerk, usually by being the new kid in school, often from a lower class neighorhood or by simply being a nerd. Second, he always comes with pals, most likely misfits, like the nerd's clan of...... nerds, or the nerds who are quick to befriend the new kid. This group is important and not to be brushed over. They actually deliver a good part of the laughs. Make one really over-the-top, extra-geeky, hard-up, or even outrageously foreign. They are also there to help the the hero win over his lady.
• Finally, the adults. Recall the Horror film, where the adults were completely ignorant to what is unfolding and exist to impede the characters as they march to victory. It's basically the same. Popular grown ups used as the butt of jokes and victims of teenage shenanigans are parents, a principal or dean who has it out for the good guys, cops, security guards, you get the idea.

This is a start, now, don't be afraid to completely copy a plot from your favorite laugh-fest and superimpose it over your baby. Soon you will find that these "templates" are passed around often, which reminds me, beer and pot work wonderfully here.

There you have some basic guidelines for developing a good comedy. By following them, you can develop a very respectable flick, and, really, as long as you double your investment, a review of "not bad" ain't too bad. The comedic model can also be modified to serve as an added side plot in most action/adventure films. Bad Boys comes to mind. The keys are:

1. The script. Recycle only the choice jokes and deliver them in unique ways.......and
2. The cast. Besides picking the most talented, It is recommended that you use actors with a sense of humor, rather that a crab-ass. It seems obvious, but until you have to drag a smile out of one, may be overlooked. It also never hurts to find the funniest looking characters you can drag out of a hole. Why not get a head start on the laughs?

Funny shit,take one.